Essen.Jura.Denken.

the dying culture.

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 23:00:00 -0400

My people are the Kiowa people.

I’m sure you’ve never heard of us.

There are roughly 9,000-12,000 Kiowa left in the world.

Yes, the world.

We invented the papoose and used to inhabit what is now Arizona and much of the West, but now we have one reservation tucked away in a shitty part of Oklahoma. The reason there are so few of us is that many of us were killed in a general racially driven greedy holocaust called “Manifest Destiny.” On that reservation, there is no access to the basics. Child abuse is rampant. Most don’t know how to read. Many are drug dealers, creeping in secret garages to produce giant vats of meth. Poverty, drugs and abuse run rampant on our reservation and most reservations in the country.

There may be one or two Kiowa lawyers, but there are not many. Perhaps one or two doctors. There are no Kiowas in government positions.

I am one Kiowa in New York City. There may be two or three others. Most likely not. My mother came from the West, which is why I made it here in the first place.

No one cares about the Kiowa in New York.

There is no Kiowa Bar Association.

There is no Kiowa appreciation month.

There is no scholarship dedicated to the Kiowa.

I predict the Kiowa culture will die with my grandchildren. The whole beautiful, colorful culture will soon die. There will be nothing left of the Kiowa people except for the relics in museums, The Washington Red Skins and that absurd Chief Wahoo, amongst other things.

There is not really even a cohesive group of Native American people together in the city because most of them are languishing in poverty back on the reservation.

There is a Violence Against Women Act- passed by Congress which protects all classes of women- including immigrant women- from violence- and gives them a fresh start.

Native American women were not considered or included in this act.

Most people are in a culture but they are not proud of their culture. Why? Most cultures- Irish, Chinese, Italian and Black are incredibly well-respected. There are people in positions of power in all of those cultures and the cultures will be preserved for the children included in them.

I’m not saying this to point fingers and judge people- I’m saying this to remind people to appreciate and respect their cultures and how far they have come. Their ancestors.

Don’t disrespect the culture by continual complaints and dissatisfaction. Your culture is not to blame for your failings and the failings of others.

I see people around the city and the world complain about who they are and how they are treated, wishing they were different in some manner.

But why? Wouldn’t it be best to accept your culture- and not only accept and love your culture but SHARE it with other cultures? Isn’t the whole point of a different culture to be proud of it, to use it to your advantage and to help others within the culture? Aren’t you proud of how much support you have within the community- and isn’t it pointless to complain?

At the same time isn’t it also important to share your culture so people can better understand it? To not complain but to educate?

People want to know about colorful and powerful cultures. To complain about a person not understanding your culture without first explaining it and helping them to understand it is not a failing of the culture or of the person who is culturally ignorant. It is YOUR failing.

I have tried to share with people, the Kiowa culture. No one cares about it or tries to understand it. I don’t have a giant, proud support group that I can be a part of. Yes, sometimes I complain, but you would to if you people were continuously forgotten and insulted. If you were the only Kiowa to back… yourself up in an argument.

Most cultures are luckily accepted and loved. It makes me ill to see people complain about their culture, or worse about people not understanding their culture.

Because you have the means and the numbers to educate people. To really help people UNDERSTAND.

Some people don’t have that.

As we become a more mixed world, we can’t continuously complain and isolate ourselves within a culture. We have to be open and proud to be a part of one. To share with people our culture. To not blame things on our culture, but to welcome challenges.

Kiowas are not outspoken and we are insular- all things that lead to disinterest and and the death of a beautiful culture.

So, just next time you feel like complaining or hating the way you look or feel because you are part of a certain group… remember how far you’ve come and how proud you should be of your culture.

Stop complaining, start educating.

finally gooping.

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:58:10 -0500

there is a detox that I have been wanting to try- “goop” detox.

I never had a blender for soups and smoothies, and I never had enough money to purchase all of the required greens.

However, I have both now, so I’m finally going to do it through this week.

The reason is two fold-

1. I gained a bunch of weight through a combo of no gym, lots of food and a new anti-depressant where I literally put on about 10 pounds in two weeks- I would like to start losing that weight.

2. I’ve been taking anti-depressants since the very beginning of high school. I am now going to put myself into once a week therapy sessions to get to the root of my problems- not just cover them up with pills. I feel like a detox is a great way to start to clear out 10+ years of disgusting mind altering medicine and the cobwebs and film they’ve left in my mind.

http://www.goop.com/journal/make/15/detox

The detox is at this website and after A TON of research it seems

a. super healthy AND

b. the most doable for me.

c. This is the week that my skinny ass eatanythingIwant boyfriend is going to be out of town, so I figure it’s going to be easier to stick to when he’s not around nibbling on every little thing.

I’ll be babbling about it on tumblr for people curious in such things and curious about the effects of a detox. This is the reason for more posts than usual.

Today, I am going to kind of pig out, since you know, detox.

typewrite illiterate.

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 19:24:54 -0500

as I choose to share my thoughts on tumblr I am not going to run through the gambit of shit I have been going through the past fews weeks.

Suffice it to say all of that shit led up to this monumental occasion in which I exhibited the least flattering behavior possible.

Three things.

1. I cannot use a typewriter. It’s not that it’s the keys or the way it functions, it’s the alignment. I cannot get a piece of paper straight into the typewriter. I used to DREAD pulling out the type writer at my old officer (where, after 2 years I assumed a position of respect I was allowed to take an ENTIRE DAY to type up answers to interrogatories) and never dreamed I would use one again. Mostly, because I cannot functionally use one.

2. I have had some terrifying bosses. Two of my old bosses (who I love dearly, I do) used to throw rage fits all of the time, yell at me, yell at the other attorneys, throw things and sprinkle their personal affairs into the mix, which led only to more rage. The only time I cried in these surroundings is when I thought I didn’t get into law school/wasn’t moving to New York whenI had planned to move there.

3. I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes a lot sometimes a little. But I do. and when a lot, it’s extreme. Like, that Moby song plays in my head and I imagine puppies dying and look at children on the street “that I will never have” and just generally make a more miserable spectacle than was initially necessary.

Today, after a VERY emotional episode of House of Cards mind you, I had to use the type writer. Only I couldn’t. I just could not. I cannot align things. I refuse usually to admit defeat and I always want to try, try again, but I cannot. My life saying is, “Impossible is nothing… besides typewriting.” Honestly. I should have said something to my boss but I was afraid. She’s so nice and thinks I am so capable and it turns out I can’t even type. It’s like you’re race car driver and you know all the complicated turns and twists but you can’t drive down a steep hill or something. Bad analogy? Maybe.

I just sat at my desk. Tears were brewing as the blue court paper surrounded me. I ran out of paper.

I sat at my computer and diddled. She came in, after rushing around by herself expecting her competent LEGAL intern (LEGAL mind you, just saying not TYPIST, not 60 years old typewriter capable intern) to have the shit done.

“There’s no way I can turn this into the court.”

Oh. Lovely. My first thought was the group of paper was too thick and she should have bound them together to look professional like you are really supposed to do. It’s federal court. in New York.

My second thought was, oh fuck. Then I, without warning, without heed, starting crying. She looked and me and we both panicked.

I SHOULD have excused myself, gone to the bathroom and washed up. I SHOULD have told her before she assigned me that I would do any bitch work she liked- except typewriting.

I didn’t though- and she left for court and I cried and cried and cried withl two goddamn things to type out on my desk still.

She wasn’t letting me off that easy.

I wrote her a note of apology, telling her that I was sorry and hopefully she is human and forgives me.

Then I cried because she is chairperson of all of this shit in Brooklyn and I cried in front of her and how can I handle a capital murder trial if I cannot handle a fucking typewriter. Really!

Then I got outside, where the weather was rainy and I cried again thinking of dead puppies, Moby and children. Then I cried at my desk until I exhausted myself, fell asleep and woke up needing a shower.

While I was facing this Everest struggle with the typewriter, I spoke to certain people. One told me to stop bitching and that I should quit law school if I didn’t want to be an attorney, one disappeared and one, (the best obviously) told me to grown up and figure out why people do not like me.

oh, and to adjust my meds.

oh, and that she loves me.

A couple of meager tears leaked out.

People don’t really like me. I am standoffish and then I try so hard that people can sense I am trying and then no one likes the girl who is trying so hard.

I should grow up and stop thinking about dead puppies, children and Moby.

I should like, get a hobby to take my rage and sadness out on because if I don’t I will honestly throw that typewriter out of the window and really get fired.

I SHOULD do those things.

BUT just because I cried and, my ability to not use a fucking typewriter made me upset at my ability to be a law student and person in general, does not mean I do not want to be an attorney.

Just because people get down, doesn’t mean they don’t want what they’ve always wanted.

People… when they fail at something so simple, like typewriting get upset and when people have been shit on for the past couple weeks, it makes MORE sense that they don’t feel smart and capable- it’s just you know, they want to try capital murder cases and they are crying about a goddamn typewriter and how awkward the whole thing was.

Sometimes people DO bitch about their lives with no legitimate cause. It is, super annoying.

I listen to people, but it annoys me because they are beautiful and smart as fuck and what the fuck.

But sometimes typewriters get to people who are beautiful and smart and generally interesting- it just happens. They are the worst of machines.

And so,even though I am standoffish, even though I cut my friends off sometimes when they are telling me about their problems because they are better than me and I don’t want to hear their first class woes- today taught me a lesson.

People- just because they appear all together on the outside, or they are certain things that society envies- doesn’t make them any less vulnerable from the devastating hurt that typewriters are capable of enacting. Maybe their dog died, they suffered a break up, they are thinking about the infinite black hole of death, they are going to miss out on the big game because of an injury, they are on meds.

You don’t know. I think as humans, we all need to stop and think before we disregard people’s problems as mere bitching.

Maybe they just need a little help.

I guess that’s what I learned to do today. Because I needed a little help and I got what was coming for me from all of those days of disregarding peoples’ complaints.

I’ll try and listen better.

the break up with booze.

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 07:48:59 -0500

I have always had Laetitia in my life.

I had never been broken up with.

Never did I ever smash things against a wall, just to break them.

Never did I need a “break up playlist”

Since I’ve been back to Brooklyn, I don’t have a Laetita. I got broken up with. I’ve lost my wallet (this is NOT, in any respect “new’) and I definitely smashed things against a wall.

I think sometimes life throws you signals, signs. I think those three things are signs for me.

Alcohol has played a large role in my social life,ever since I tasted my first Dos Equis in the back of a pickup truck. I never knew the awful path the taste of my first beverage would take me down.

Now,at 25, I do. I am a different person when I drink.I lose things, go into rages and temper tantrums. I am mean.

I don’t know if I am going back home to Ohio to heal for a year and pick up law school there,or if I can heal here in Brooklyn. I am very independent, but everyone has a breaking point. I thinkI may have reached mine.

Whatever I decide,I know that I have to stop drinking. My Native American Irish blood cannot handle the amount of alcohol I try to shove in my body.

I have lost a best friend and, dare I say it, someone who I truly loved.

also,the fucking wallet.

I need to stop drinking for my health and well being. I miss the days at Ohio State when my boyfriend andI were almost perpetually drunk and he was so easy going that nothing would bother him. Ever.

Those days are gone though. I am truly alone, in NewYork. No college. No family. No acceptability, rather,accountability.

And also those days flew away, the days need to come where I don’t drink for awhile.

falling off the wagon/pre drank detox

Sat, 02 Feb 2013 07:51:18 -0500

First of all, Happy Birthday! to my friend Sam! It is her brunch I am going to later, so I figured she deserved a shout out :)

This pre- half training week was supposed to be an exercise in… exercise but it was mostly not. I went to the gym once and did yoga once. Next week I have to go EVERYDAY, so we’ll see how that pans out.

It was also the continuation of my eating healthy… I kind of fell off the wagon in that respect too but realized an important thing about myself- I am a sad eater.

This week I had a variety of annoyances and some let downs (nevermind still reeling from the break up of a friendship) and I definitely let those feelings out with FOOD.

I still managed to stay away from the Starburst- but there was a block of cheese and multiple bags of popcorn involved (low fat?)

I want to eventually eat CLEAN and blocks of cheese and bags of popcorn do not constitute as clean. They may not be bags of sugar, but I should have done something other than let my sorrows drown in dairy fat- which is a GREAT realization. I never thought I was a “feelings eater” but I guess I totally am. So now I look to alternative methods of dealing with feelings (these gym trips ought to help)? Also writing down the nice things that happened (vino with two of my friends, getting a compliment from my boss) should help balance.

Good things… bring me to BRUNCH, that saucy, calorie filled midday boozefest. I do not get to brunch as often as I would like, but today for a birthday ,I will go.

And go hard- unlimited drinks? Yes, please.

But I do realize that I am old and kind of a rookie when it comes to drinking… and I KNOW after my 2nd mimosa I should stop but I won’t because they are really mostly juice, right? And I want to get my money’s worth!! Then we are going to a bar that has ridiculous drink specials. ut oh.

There’s something to be said for AFTER drinking detox- the advil the water chug, the food… but a BEFORE brunch/drinking/calorie bomb detox, healthy eating is worth a shot. This morning I drank two glasses of green tea, made a tummy soother smoothie (recipe below) and loaded my purse with an arsenal of life saving things I will need throughout the day. I figure this way at least I BEGAN the day with some good things!

Happy Weekend!

Tummy Tamer Wake up Smoothie:

1 handful spinach

1 handful strawberries

2 quarter sized chunks ginger (less if you don’t like the taste)

1 handful frozen mixed berries

splash of almond milk

optional honey to taste

Just blend everything together. The spinach and the berries are packed with antioxidants- the ginger helps sooth your eventual bloated brunch tummy.

Day Drinking Essentials:

6 advil (3 for you, 3 to share with hurting friends)

1 bottle of ginger water (just water with a couple of pieces of ginger- will help stomach) bottles of water are useful because you can keep refilling without waiting for the bar tender

caffeine gum (I get tired from drinking and I don’t want to become anit-social) This gum I found on Amazon certainly prevents that

Make up for touch ups

GUM/mints!

Tissues (because someone is probably gonna cry)

Take out any important things you DONT need (the keys to you office- you will not be going to the office after brunch). That way if you lose your purse, it won’t be too tragic.

Happy Day drinking!

I think this is what happens when you grow up, my Blog is growing up.

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 17:11:22 -0500

Essen, Jura, Denken (Eating, Law, Thinking), aka this thing that you are reading, has been a great online support for me. I express my thoughts, I have a sprinkling of followers and people on facebook sometimes read what I have to write. This post is long, but it’s been a week in the making.

It makes me happy that people take time out of their busy days to read my things- it’s flattering, even if it is just another excuse not to start that tax reading (hey- I absolutely feel you I WRITE posts to avoid general adulthood all of the time).

Sometimes I’m complaining, sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I post far too many pictures of cats and recipes that I will never make. Like limoncello, which I realize requires a lot of vodka the purchase of which requires a real, constant paycheck.

Sometimes, though I try really hard not to reach out and tell personal feelings- generally I later delete or regret or look at and say- “this isn’t a Xanga account, people don’t want to read about your personal voyage of feelings.”

I feel like sometimes this helps people though. Runners. Law students. People that are just depressed. People in a New City. Poor people. Under confident people. Midwesterners. I am all of those people and these types of people need people who are people like me/them.

A lot of things have changed since I started EJD you know? Growing up? It’s not that great yet it is SO great. Not that I can’t do awesome things like eat bags of candy, spend all of my money on ridiculous footwear, go on wild drinking binges and not exercise for months on end, stay in my room and talk to literally not ONE single person for weeks, roll my eyes at authority figures - as an adult I can literally do ANYTHING. It’s just that now I realize those actions have consequences. The dual awesome/awful nature of it all. Thrilling.

Most times these things are MY fault and my consequences to save and sort through at a later time, or sometimes they don’t wait and I have to actually face them with a sinking stomach and sweaty palms.

Being an adult is looking at what I am doing and making changes.

Too much candy? Get RID of it, out of your house… check.

No gym time? Spend 90 dollars of my hard earned babysitting money to sign up for a half marathon. Money is SO precious to me that I simply have to do the half marathon. Check.

Confidence down? Start writing/blogging/reading things about inspiring woman/sign up for said half marathon. Check

Bad Temper? Switch Meds. Check.

Want to participate in class? Read. Check.

No, I will not stop drinking, not stop recreational drug use, I will not stop staying out late, I will not stop exploring the limits of my body or putting myself in semi-awkward situations. I will have a terrible temper and other annoying little things. And I’ll never be short and cute and I really just need to stop wearing 5 inch heels because no one ever wanted to date a giraffe.Even though I think I look fucking GREAT in them- maybe they are better for prancing around my bedroom dancing to Rupaul’s WORK IT than out on the icy street of NYC. My long awaited point isIt’s fun to make mistakes and though twenty five is oldER it’s not a death sentence on self-exploration and fun (NO age should be as a matter of fact) - yet I do have to start taking responsibility because it’s not my only mom or Mrs. Watts my first grade teacher I am going to disappoint when I get a bad grade or do something professionally dumb, there are real, legitimate consequences for which I am solely responsible.

However, this responsibility taking is not near as bad as another part of adulthood- and that is the awful, hard, terrible realization that sometimes you will do everything perfectly and in the best way you possibly can and it will still fizzle out. It will. It happens. Everything your parents tell you about being a good person- well, they left out the part that, even IF you are the best person on the planet, people don’t care. You will get hurt. Sometimes.

I don’t want to go into detail or send bad vibes to people, but this happened to me with people, semi-recently. I found myself asking myself, asking them- am I boring? Did I gain weight? Was I really THAT mean? Am I starting to smell like an old woman already? Are my law school friends pretentious? Am I just that crazy? As a law student that boring? At 25 no longer sexy? No longer fun to go to clubs with and get free drinks?

I am hip, dammit, I tried to say to myself, sounding like a 90 year old woman convincing herself she could still get jiggy with it.. I thought of all of the things I could have done wrong and I could do better. Certain things came up absolutely, but generally nothing really came up. In the grand scheme of things I think I am above average at most of my undertakings.

But still the lingering doubt.

Also the enormous crushing fear of being alone- I am not religious and I really don’t want to spend the time fooling myself into being such again, so the fear of being alone is more carnal than ever.

Was I SUCH a boring little rod?

Should I start wearing tight tops and eating the tops of celery (WITHOUT peanut butter) so I could fit into these tops? Get a weave? Learn an instrument? A sexy language ?( I am bilingual people but German is not sexy) Read wikipedia on the reg and pretend I know things? Become a drug dealer so at least people would like me for the drugs? Did I need BOTOX already?? Should I stop talking about how fascinating and complex the defense of rapists is? Exclusively listen to ONLY Billboard top 100 songs? Acquire a street name? (I’ve thought about this extensively).

Suddenly, it came to me. The fears and reasons that caused these people to act this way, had little to do with me or what I was doing with my life. Some to do, maybe, but little. Very little. Certain things are unacceptable.

Ending a friendship over e-mail. Unacceptable.

Freaking out about one comment I’ve made. Unacceptable.

Telling other people lies about me. Unacceptable.

This is what I learned. Certain things are not my fault. If someone is no longer interested in me in a romantic capacity or friendship capacity and I’ve examined everything and I am HONEST with myself (which is hard but it’s doable) and there is nothing really wrong, then it’s not my fault.

I think that hurts worse than any responsibility for any mistake I’ve ever made. Because, I mean, at least I fucked up and deserve it. It’s hard to face the cold, hard truth of being a good person, and sometimes it not mattering. It’s colder than the D, that’s for sure.

For a second I thought this was a green light to go ahead and get really sexy, obtain a lot of friends through match.com or whatever the friend version of match.com may be, and just post sick pix all over my tumblr, facebook, NEW twitter account and instagram account, where my new name would be along the lines of: LIVINMAHLIFE!BITCHZYOLO! or something like that. My transformation would be complete only when I was a total bitch to all of my old friends and exes that did not fit to my standards.

Then I thought… ew.

Just because you get shit on sometimes, doesn’t mean you should stop being a good person all of the time. It’s not really about how other people feel- you should be a good person in part because people generally like good people, you will find new friends. More important than this is that you feel better yourself when you are a good person. About yourself. At the end of the day,even though your boyfriend told you you’re not intellectually stimulating, but you just killed it in class earlier- be nice. Stand up for yourself against him, but don’t get bitter. (This has nothing to do with my boyfriend by the way he’s fucking great-just girls’ largest complaints seem to be about men). Be at peace because you’re a good person. I think the adult version of a good person is not so much a doormat, is not so much a “nice guy/ girl” that actually requires reciprocation for being a good person- but the kind of person who is good because it makes THEM feel good- and it brings them peace at the end of the day. It’s the best version of being selfish that I can ever think of.

So that’s what I learned. I wanted to share it because I think other people have a hard time with learning this fact and turn into awful people because of one or two bad experiences. Then we have horrible bosses, stuffy, horny old men, vodka soaked divorcees, hoarders and Republicans. Because no one told them it was OK to sometimes get shit on. That they should stand up for themselves, but maybe lose the bitters.

I am just glad I learned this now- because though YOLO is and incredibly DUMB idiotic saying, but it’s true. Now, hopefully I can enjoy my youthful adultness with a little more ease. (EMYAWLME)

it’s almost time for me to go back to New York again. I always forget what a huge...

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 21:28:59 -0500

it’s almost time for me to go back to New York again.

I always forget what a huge comfort&support my family is to me- and how lovely it is to just sit at home and relax and look through old photos, eat and laugh.

I am so lucky to have all of my family members and I am so lucky that they are all happy and healthy. We plan marathons, make fun of things together, eat together, etc. My family can just sit around and be happy.

There have been TWO times this break where I have been extremely unhappy- and both times I talked through the problems with my family- and things have been gotten so much better after the talk.

I always wanted to stay in New York when I was done with law school- but it’s so nice to have family closer by that i am kind of rethinking the whole scheme- because family is so important.

The dream to live in New York has been great thus far and I really love the tight knit group of law school friends I’ve made- but thinking about when I get done with school- I don’t want to be the lonely person who makes a Lean Cuisine in her apartment- “living the dream” in the city. I don’t really think that’s so much of a “dream” anymore- I think it’s actually kind of sad for someone who likes to be surrounded by light, food, family and light.

Not to say my goals aren’t still finish school. pass bar. get job. apartment. dog. learn how to play banjo (literally in that order). Not to say there aren’t TONS of benefits to living in the city and being a part of such a large social and cultural scene.

But when I moved to the city- I never thought I would see my family only once a year. I would like this to change. The city is the best place for my career and I will stay and grow a garden, have my dog and we’ll plant some roots- but the fact still remains that I wish I could have it all- my family, my career, my city and my dog.

I am just really going to miss them.

2013- won't be unlucky because I have a wavy cat

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 00:48:53 -0500

Rappers are always saying “Imma do me.” Mostly, I thought, what the hell does that mean? As a 7th grade die-hard of DMX, I was under the impression it meant a variety of dirty things.

If I am honest with myself, I believe in a plethora of things.

I believe in luck.

I believe, when off of my meds, that strange terrible things will happen if I get rid of a broken perfume bottle. To my family, friends and everyone else.

I believe I am sometimes a reclusive, terrible, bad person. I mean when I come home, my sister has all kinds of friends to hang out with… and I don’t. I spend my nights online window shopping and arguing with my dad about watching the 2006 Fiesta bowl for, literally the 10th time (and honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way, the older I get, the more I love and respect my parents). But still, my friend retention level is low(ish).

I think New Year’s resolutions are stupid because they fill the treadmills at the gym and I can’t get on one. Then I have to go outside where I run like a snail because I am afraid to fall on ice. and my yoga class is full. it just gets out of hand.

But, I think I’ve corrected some of my selfish problems with each passing year. And that has to count for something.

I am not there yet, of course, but I am sure I will get there, wherever there might be.

I think this year if I HAD to make a resolution, it would be to DO ME… as in do the things I want to do. I feel like if I do that, everything will fall into place.

I always think and plan and worry about the future and what other people will think of me. I am always worried about people that are prettier than I am. Always, because in my head I am still the awkward one with the unibrow.

This is stupid. I am not going to turn into someone else over night.

Also, what other people think is crap, all I have to do is be nice and tell the truth and if people don’t like it I shouldn’t care.

SO. even though I think resolutions are stupid I am going to make a list. On Tumblr. so I can remind myself of these things throughout the year and hopefully do them.

Call my mom everyday because she needs me and I need her.

Stop thinking everyone is talking about me. Just like I don’t care what they are doing, they don’t care what I am doing. IF they do, I am flattered.

Get rid of old shit.

Learn how to take nice pictures & post them.

half marathon.

live.in.the.present.

get rid of people who don’t respect me.

Go on an ADVENTURE with my best friend (to be discussed).

Call my Ohio friends more

Get to work & class on time

Cook

Better posture

Generally, I just want to be nice to people and be happy with my body and my intellect.

Easier said than done, but at the mall today, I found a heads-up penny.

Luck.

camplo:uptownsaturdaynight. Luchini AKA This Is It is one of my...

Wed, 26 Dec 2012 14:18:59 -0500

camplo:uptownsaturdaynight.

Luchini AKA This Is It is one of my favorite songs.

In fact, Camp Lo’s whole Uptown Saturday Night album is pure gold- for running or for just getting ready for the real thing on a Saturday night.

so.many.things.

Sat, 22 Dec 2012 19:45:20 -0500

Today, instead of sleeping in all day like I wanted to, I journeyed into the great pit that is my room.

I am slightly OCD. Part of that is my complete and utter unwillingness to get rid of stuff.

It’s definitely not as bad as it used to be, but anything can set it off.

I have two bags of stuff that NEEDS to go to goodwill- and has needed to- for a long time- but if I give them away- will something bad happen?

It’s really hard to explain that kind of mentality to someone who ISNT OCD- they mostly just think I am crazy.

In a sense, I definitely am. There is no reason why I should keep things because I think my boyfriend might break up with me if I get rid of the purple yoga mat with the rip down the center or the JCrew shirt that can’t button up over my boobs (and let’s be honest, has never done so).

Today I went to clean my room and I almost cried at the amount of useless stuff I have. clothing, mostly. but a broken pair of glasses here. A broken perfume bottle there. A note from a friend there… and there. Not to mention all of the ugly things I bought from Forever21 because I was “depressed.”

I can’t KEEP doing it. Can’t keep stuff I definitely don’t need. So, for better or worse I am hauling out all of the clothes, trickets, broken items, old makeup and other things I just don’t need.

I may need a Xanax after I am finished as I wait for my impending doom, but my life will have a lot less clutter.

So that when bad things DO happen, I can have a clean and happy space to go to with my thoughts… instead of being surrounded by “stuff.”

the dilemma of the woman.

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 20:16:37 -0500

taking a break from crim pro studying (because I might go crazy), to sort out some thoughts.

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I were at the public library when he saunters up to the table with a pile of pleasure reading books in hand, while I am furiously jotting down tiny note cases in my crim pro. book. He looks at me, expectantly.

“What did you get?” I asked him. I looked at his collection- amongst the books was “The Feminine Mystique” by Betty Friedan.

I ripped into this book my junior year of college, having learnt about it in a civil rights history class, and craving to read the whole thing. It’s a great read, an American cultural milestone, and I highly recommend everyone read it.

Friedan basically gave a name and a face to the millions of seemingly “happy” housewives across American and explained the dilemma they were facing- their lack of happiness and reasons, perhaps, for the strange behaviors of some.

Women had found a rallying point, a siren to sing their song.

Now we have all sorts of rights as women, all sorts of positions of power and careers. Maybe we’re happier now.

However, today’s woman faces a new kind of dilemma- they deal with the expectations of being everything.

Some men expect it from us. Some of our peers put the pressure on, sometimes our parents, sometimes it comes from directly within. I think it’s a combination of all of these things.

But whatever it is, it’s there and real.

I want to have kids and a husband. I also want to fight for prisoners’ rights and become a legendary defense attorney. I also would like to stay in shape and not wrinkle early. I would also like to learn to sew, run the Boston Marathon, figure out how to be fashionable, have a lovely, well decorated and open home, raise children I can be proud of and become a FORCE in the kitchen. I would also like to kick back drinks with my fellow defense attorneys, manage somehow to be entertaining, and grow my own food, make a line of organic products and push for stronger protection of the environment. Probably want to be a Congresswoman. And write the Great American Novel.

I’m in my second year of law school and I am almost 25. While I am on my way to defense attorneydom, I am not well on my way to the other things.

I am scared because I WANT a family and I WANT a husband… and it seems like everyone around me is getting engaged or having a wedding.. but I just can’t POSSIBLY do something like that right now. But I don’t want to be lonely and a cat lady… so should I be ready for that?

I don’t want to be frumpy or give up my career. I want to be able to give 100% to my career and to really change things for a small group at first and then a larger one .

A lot of my friends are like this.

We have no idea what to do. Do we separate ourselves from traditional notions of happiness? Do we throw the white flag at 30 and tuck into spinsterhood? Or throw the white flag at the first baby and become a homemaker, because, well maybe we can handle it better than the women in the 1950s. We have better drugs, after all.

I don’t KNOW the answers, but I know that THIS generation of women- with our desires to do everything- need to find a balance too. Perhaps we need a voice.

"Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75."

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 09:31:39 -0500

“Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75.”

- Benjamin Franklin (via thatkindofwoman)

Read Me!

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 13:49:00 -0500

Read Me!:

this article is a great read to find out what’s going on with our food… and what could happen to NY local farmers if this takes place here!

Do we really want

chemicals in our food

Local farmers getting sick and losing money

Our ability to trust purchases made from local farmers?

small starts

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 10:47:55 -0500

I’m in law school. We are almost at the point where we all become insane and adderall becomes more precious than solid gold bars. We chug monster drinks and five hour energies. We acquire at LEAST 10 new gray hairs.

We tend to neglect everything. Our bodies. Our healthy habits. Our… everything.

It’s really not time to be thinking of ANYTHING else BUT finals.

However, I have to… because I am slowly running out of loan money and need to buy Christmas presents.

So why not be frugal and eco-friendly too?

As much as I want to chug venti sized Starbucks white chocolate raspberry mochas, they usually set me back a whooping 7-8 bucks (because I absolutely also need that extra shot of espresso). Also probably a good 500 calories (because its FINALS I NEED the whipped cream!)

ugh, you foul temptresses.

Plus all of that wasted paper on those cute holiday cups… the lid, the extra large cup, the sleeve thingy.

What’s a girl to do?

Luckily, I am fortunate enough to have a locker and a cafeteria at school.

Perfect. So this year, inside of making endless runs to starbucks (and gaining endless pounds) I’ve decided to put mugs, a package of tea, a supply of instant coffee and some sugar free Torani syrup in my locker. This way I can fill up my mug with hot water from the cafe, make my coffee, use the milk (also from cafe) and add a dash of syrup- all without spending 8 dollars, all without leaving the comfort of school.

To make it all the more festive, I am absolutely going to drink it out of a holiday mug.

That’s saving:

cash

calories

paper products

frustration in the starbucks line

If, however, you are NOT so fortunate to have a cafe and a locker, why not try just a straight shot of espresso next time? Less paper with the cup FAR fewer calories and less awful sugar buzz. OR just a regular coffee? Starbucks gives like, 10% off if you bring in your own to go mug.

Viola!

I know sometimes I am still going to NEEDDDD a fancy drink, but this way it’s FAR less often.

new direction.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 10:32:59 -0500

Until now, this blog has been mostly complaints, a way to show case my writing and a slew of other things that aren’t very important. No one really wants to read about how I was crying in a cab after I thought my boyfriend broke up with me.

Right?

Right, I am going to pick up a nice journal for those things.

HOWEVER! I do believe blogs are extremely powerful and I think they’re a good way to reach the most people at any given time, all across the world. The beauty of the internet not only lies in my ability to view French bulldogs endlessly snoring on YouTube, but in my ability to reach people about something I think is important.

The environment.

Guys, I don’t know if you know this are not, but we are not anywhere CLOSE to colonizing a new planet. To be honest, this planet is beautiful, so why would we WANT to live in a Biodome on a cold Mars? No thank you.

Therefore, I want to start using my blog to promote the well-being of the environment. I know we’re all worried about taxes, benefits, exams, the impossible stress of being adult human beings, but we are NOT worried about the way in which we use and abuse our planet.

We should be.

http://seattletimes.com/html/businesstechnology/2019773360_apclimatetalks.html

http://topics.nytimes.com/top/news/science/topics/globalwarming/index.html

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=is-global-warming-happening-faster-than-expected

Honestly, just type “global warming” into Google.

And even IF global warming is a “hoax” (seriously, stfu) Isn’t it time to start treating the environment better anyhow?

I’m not just talking about planet earth, I’m talking about the environment inside of our bodies.

We are pouring tons of CRAP into our bodies. Meat injected with hormones, dairy with all sorts of things that shouldn’t be, lotion, shampoo and soap filled with chemicals we can’t pronounce.

Really? Is that really healthy?

No.

This blog will now focus on small things we can do for our planet and our bodies. It will focus on affordable ways to change our habits.

I’m trying to change my habits, so I know some of these things aren’t easy. But you will feel MUCH better for it all around. Plus, you’ll look better, have more energy and generally feel good about helping the environment.

So, that’s the direction this is now going to go. I don’t mean to be corny or preach, I just mean to give helpful advice that might save your money, your time and the environment.

new york, as it is.

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 10:15:33 -0400

this morning i took a cab from my friend’s apartment in Manhattan. How utterly snobby and wasteful of me, but I did not trust myself on the subway system this morning (I did not want to be the crying girl that everyone stares at).

Unlike the usual NYC cab driver, mine was a chatty cathy. Which, despite my desire for complete and total silence, I enjoyed. It made me smile.

The cab also smelled like he hadn’t bathed in a week. That did not make me smile.

My friend lives in E. 20th and first(ish). I had a lovely view of morning NYC. Well, semi-lovely.

We passed the bar where my first iPhone was stolen. We also passed a lovely park where people were playing soccer. We passed a homeless man, where the cabby paused to indignantly explain why he was not a fan of homeless people. I could not understand half of what he was saying, but there were gestures aplenty.

We went through Chinatown, which is my absolute favorite part of the city. We passed a restaurant where, in a moment of despair and self indulgence, I had a carafe of wine paid for by creepy Greek men.

Blurred by tears, the parts of the city started to meld together. All of the motion, people running, walking, sprinting driving. All of the sound, the honking of horns, the laughter the shouts, the cries of tiny children. All of the light and the colors. All of it blended together.

The parts that I loved about the city, the parts that made me laugh, want to vomit, feel tiny, feel empowered, feel absolutely and utterly in despair. All of them together. In one large concrete world that kept whizzing by.

Leo Tolstoy once said, “if you love a person, you love them as they are, not how you would like them to be.” I suppose it’s the same thing with New York. Bad things will happen to me here. Incredibly joyous occasions await. But New York, though my favorite city, though the love of my life, will not always be how I want it to be. It will sometimes be…awful.

That’s OK though. I love it as it is.

pumpkin oatmeal & gingerhoneylemon green tea

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 09:46:19 -0400

it’s finally cold.

Which means my body thinks that I am not a 25 year old in Brooklyn who still has to fit into her suit for work, but a huge grizzly bear up north who has to frantically eat everything because she is going to hibernate for 6 months.

seriously, it wants me to devour every carby, cheesy, fatty warm thing there is.

This is not OK, as my suit fits perfectly and does not have room in it for grizzly bear like weight gain.

So I’ve been trying to find things that are filling AND yummy AND healthy.

I also recently watched a documentary about how we treat the land and animals when growing food. It was a little disturbing, so I am also trying to cut back on dairy and meat (I will NEVER NEVER give them up, but I can limit my intake).

Enter pumpkin oatmeal. It’s tasty, really filling and pretty healthy. Paired with immune boosting green tea it doesn’t make me feel like I just ate a dozen doughnuts and a block of cheese (because, honestly, that’s really what my body wants to do).

For the Pumpkin:

Note: make this the night before and stick it in your fridge. That way in the morning you can just toss it in your oatmeal.

1 can pumpkin puree

2/3 cup almond milk

honey to taste

cinnamon and/or pumpkin pie spice to taste.

Heat pumpkin & milk over medium heat until lightly bubbling. Add honey and spices until desired sweetness is reached. Let simmer for 5-10 minutes on low heat. Let cool, store in fridge for AM use.

For the Oatmeal:

1 cup water

1/2 cup quick cook steel cut oats

3 tablespoons pumpkin mixture

1/4 cup almond milk

Splenda & spices to taste

Cook oats as directed on package. Remember to stir! When oats are cooked add milk and pumpkin. Allow to simmer for 2 minutes. Add spices and Splenda (or sugar or honey) until desire sweetness is reached. Enjoy!

Tea:

2 dime sized pieces of ginger

1 green tea bag

2 slices lemon

honey

Coat the bottom of your tea mug with honey. Add lemon and ginger. Pour almost boiling water over all three, then add tea bag. Let tea seep for 5 minutes. Stir.

a note on the debates

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 09:49:56 -0400

Let me start with… I am a liberal. A very bleeding heart liberal when it comes to social policy. And green energy. Sometimes, I agree with the conservatives on fiscal policy. Woops.

I love President Obama. Honestly, the man could probably tell me that to make America great I would have to eat my own feces for breakfast and I would still love him. That might be extreme, but whatever. Man is great. Also those TEETH. My goodness, even my mother couldn’t find anything wrong with them.

seriously, a stud.

However, I cannot say I “loved” his performance last night. First of all, I thought the general debate was great. The candidates were looking at each other. Interrupting one another. Attacking points head on. Getting very interactive and passionate about things. Honestly, I think that’s what the debates SHOULD look like. It was the first time I saw the candidates go so fiercely after one another. It was great… and got me thinking.

Mitt Romey killed it. Sorry. I love Obama. Love Democrats. Love being liberal. But, the man killed it. He had direct, clear, crisp, concise answers. Despite his creepy loving looks at the President, he made some excellent points. He finally developed a platform. He came into his own as a candidate.

even though he looks at people like this.

Obama used a lot of standard Obama rhetoric. My grandmother, this lady on the street, I love America. After the debate, when all of the “best political news teams ever” were busy fact checking, many of the facts Romney spilled were incorrect. Obama could have jumped all OVER that shit. He didn’t. There’s playing it safe… and then there’s winning a debate. Though I do love me some “HOPE” I don’t think it works against the concrete plans and facts Romney was proposing.

That being said I HATED Romney’s plans. Hated how he attacked green energy (he clearly wants to be floating on a yacht in the middle of the melted polar ice caps or something), hated his medicare plans, plans for social security and lack of creating revenue through taxes.

Green energy and education are two of my biggest issues. That and my right to free birth control at planned parenthood.

Romney’s plans, though extremely well-articulated, were absolutely not what I wanted. But Obama already had my vote. Didn’t have to convince ME.

But he did have to convince the millions of Americans that are in the middle that he deserves a chance at another four years. Why his plans are better than Romney’s plans. He needed to attack with concrete facts and numbers. Not merely “refer to my website.”

That’s not GOOD enough for this election. I sincerely hope, that in the next debate, Obama steps up his game 10 fold. He minimizes the HOPE rhetoric and comes out swinging with cold, hard facts.

Because, honestly, if PBS is canceled… I will die.

A Girl on "Girls"

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 09:39:55 -0400

I rarely write reviews of TV shows or movies mostly because I don’t really know how to review them.

or someone’s done it far better than I could have ever done it.

But I DID feel the need to write up a small post about the Lena Dunham show “Girls” (I think my boyfriend wanted to do the same, but whatever, his will be much more insightful).

Let me start with… I thought I would hate it. I watched her awful, awful literally fucking TERRIBLE film “Tiny Furniture” on Netflix. It was basically her bitching about being single, white, rich and living off of her parents money. Literally, the whole time I just wanted her to get some highlights, join a gym and grab some self-respect.

“Girls” is different. It starts with her parents cutting her off of the money train. That, I can respect. There are still intensely uncomfortable scenes of her having sex, but I can live through that.

My parents, your parents, and everyone in between, try to understand our generation. They try to figure out why we don’t get married and have kids as young, why we don’t have jobs, why we choose to move to New York for school instead of stay in Ohio. Why we are not (most of us), fiscally responsible.

I think “Girls” does a great job of showing who my generation is. Why we are facing the problems we do, what problems we are facing, and yes, how absurd some of them are. The image of 4 of the characters sitting on a bench eating froyo discussing a book about how men should treat women really spoke to me. It emphasized the ridiculous first world nature of our problems… but it also showed that we do have problems and many of us, despite our naturally promiscuous behavior and no- care attitudes are craving respect and are still very sensitive to the way we are treated.

I think the show does a good job of kind of poking fun at our generation’s problems (the touching at work, dissatisfaction with the boyfriend, career, self-image in general) while also legitimizing some of the problems our behavior can bring (the HPV scare, abortion scare, etc). It shows a generation, spoiled by parents, a generation that never had to worry about providing food, clothing and shelter. A generation who can finally get what they want… the problem is, we have been so disabled by the over caring of our parents.. it remains seen whether we actually have the capability to get there.

Of course, unlike she claims, Lena Dunham is not “the voice of our generation.” There are many in our generation that still need to worry about basic needs. Many that have families, are working in jobs just to get by, do not have dreams of grandeur and happily ever after. I just think Dunham does a good job of showing what middle/upper class kids of our generation face, daily. Not the immediate, pressing problems of hunger, shelter, etc. The problems of finding yourself, who you are, what you want to be and how to get there. It’s a different sort of problem. One that I face and many of my friends face. On a level “Girls” is relatable to me.

My best friend told me the other day, as we were walking the cobbled streets of DUMBO leafing through art books, a friend told her ”young people are always doing three things in New York: looking for a place to live, looking for a job or looking for love.” I agree with this statement (I am currently looking for a job) and I think that Lena Dunham has done a great job of capturing that essence of New York and our generation.

Parents often complain about how lazy we are, or how we lack motiviation. I think “Girls” does a good job of showing… yes, we might be all of those things, but you have to remember… you(parents) created us.

Awkward at times, a little bit brazen at others, I think, nonetheless “Girls” is worth a watch.

Happy Anniversary, Brooklyn!

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 20:03:39 -0400

sometime around this week or last week, I moved to Brooklyn, a year ago.

Brooklyn and I did not get off on the right foot. I felt the same strange, lost, bitter, lostlostlostlostlostlost feeling that Scarlett Johansson portrays oh so well in “Lost in Translation.” I had just lost a majority of “good” friends back home. I was plotting ways to get out of Brooklyn yet I felt there was nowhere really great I could go. I was on the phone with my mom, my best friends my sister… anyone who would listen to me wail about Brooklyn and about those friends back home who were burning my remaining possessions in a “hate bonfire.” (embarrassing). I would often run through Prospect Park and just stare and stare at Brooklyn. Not know where to begin or end.

Tumultuous beginnings do not always necessarily equal terrible endings as I came to find out. It’s a year later and I feel like I BELONG in Brooklyn. Right here in my snug corner of Brooklyn Heights in my second year of law school is exactly where I should be. I crave Stumptown coffee and black and white cookies are familiar to me. I can give people directions with confidence (albeit,not really cardinal, but they usually get it). I worked in the financial district this summer. I survived a mini mental collapse. Most of all survived law school.

I love Brooklyn. I love all of my friends here. Have you ever been in a place that you just felt that you belong. Not an outsider, not just there for a period of life… but somewhere you absolutely know that you can live the rest of your life?

That’s Brooklyn for me.

So here’s to you Brooklyn! To your hipster meccas, your ghettos, your neon lit bright spots and dark little corners, your snobby Park Slope moms, your population of decaying actors and intelligentsia, your high prices, your local gems, your absolutely unique, distinct flavor. I love you.

I think this is the start of a lifelong relationship.