Essen.Jura.Denken.

grumpy.

last night, someone stole my phone. My precious, precious phone (I mean, let’s be honest, I was in love).

They can’t use it anymore because Verizon has turned it into a brick. My friends are kind enough to offer their old phones (leading me, once again, to the conclusion that I have some of the best ones out there), so I’ll be up and running very soon.  but….

why would someone steal a phone? without a charger, it is useless. it’s been reported lost, so it cannot be reactivated unless by me. So, I mean what kind of person are you, exactly? I have turned most things I have found in to the proper people (things like lip gloss, etc.- just aren’t going to cut it). I just… I don’t understand stealing things from others. 

I never did. There is absolutely NO point. 

I remember one time, leaving my passport in a cab. The cabbie was kind enough to turn it in. After awhile, I got it back. 

It just goes to show how kind some people can be, and how gross others can be. And it’s all a big random chance who we, on any given Sunday (well, Friday), may encounter. And this is kind of disheartening yet OK at the same time. 

The phone was more than just a phone to me. It struck me JUST how personal iPhones are. Think about it.. .all of your pictures, your messages, your favorite apps, e-mail…. all of this is accessible on the iPhone. So really, just kind of stealing a mini version of everything important to me. There are some pictures on that phone that I would REALLY like to have back. Some thoughts I’ve recorded, etc. All of it now in someone’s clutches. That’s kind of chilling, actually. You can learn all you need to know about a person through their iPhone. Some random person now knows what I needed to buy at the store, can read all of the list of ridiculous things my friends say drunk (which I keep a list of), read the latest line of sappy texts between Luke and I, and know about the fight I had with my roommate via e-mail exchange. And yes, they now know all of my appointments from now through July via my calendar app. 

creepy. 

The phone was a Christmas gift from my parents. Who somehow believe that I have grown into not losing a phone. My mom made me get an 80 cover so I wouldn’t break it and we were set. 

Right. 

That’s 100 dollars my parents are never going to have back. That’s a lot of trust I am never going to get back. I just… it was a grown up thing, a gift. It symbolized that my parents were SO proud of me for moving here, for growing up, for doing well in school, that despite their vow NEVER to get me electronics, they did. 

And I just… feel so AWFUL because of that. My parents work so hard, and I vowed to keep their trust. They want to believe in me, even though I lose things and I am rather reckless with them. 

I feel about two inches tall. Like an eight year old who has done something wrong. Like I can’t be trusted with nice things. 

Now some idiot has the phone as a dysfunctional brick. 

So, congrats, guy. You stole my iPhone. hope it works out for you.

Just want you to know, you not only stole my phone though, but a whole lot of trust and love that it symbolized.

And THAT is why I am so upset. 

kleine milestones

(I am probably ONE of the MOST reflective people you’ve ever met/read. I finished my first year of law school Wednesday- so time for some serious reflection).

I’ve wanted to be an attorney for a very long time, so I suppose it was this desire that led me to law school. Obviously. 

but if I had to say what led me to THIS particular law school, I would probably say the Animal Collective Song “What Would I Want? Sky.” I first listened to the song in Germany and realized that it was the type of music that really resonated with me. Kind of dreamy. hazy. Kind of like me. 

The person that SENT me this song, began to send me MORE music. And I loved (and still love) all of it.  I eventually grew to really LIKE this person. So much so that I dated this person, despite the distance. 

Would I have thought I would ever be here, the day I first listened to that song? 

No. 

Here is what I have learned: 

I am not the best at everything. and I won’t always be. I live in New York, I went to law school, where everyone is a goddamn superstar. I am not the best. But I am ( and always will be) me. and that is a comfort. Also, that I will get better. Because I will.

You always ALWAYS have to watch out for people who are fake. True friends will never abandon you, nor spill your secrets. Some friends, you really WILL have for life. Lucky for me I have retained the beautiful, kind successful friends and the fake, ugly ones seem to have completely disappeared of their own nastiness. I have the hope that those selfish, awful people, will continue to disappear of their own accord. 

There is such a thing as karma. The truth is better than not, and being kind is probably a good thing (this is SO SO hard for me, I am not naturally kind AT ALL). Jealously is stupid. Be happy for your friends, and your family for being good people. Be happy for the success of others. 

Love isn’t what you think it is. It’s actually a lot better than you ever thought it was. Once its mutual and truly unselfish. You’ll know it when you have it. I hope everyone gets to have it. I hope I don’t lose it. 

and FINALLY, I still have a lot of growing to do. and always will. and I am NOT the best. And never will. and there WILL be sadness. And always will.

but I think, what I learned most of all, this year is that I am capable of handling each little curveball life throws. And I WILL get knocked down. A lot. but I guess the whole point of this year is to learn that getting knocked down ISNT failing. and getting up with the right kind of mindset is what matters the most. 

So congrats, everyone. We made it. I am SO proud of all of my friends and classmates. and SO thrilled my life is where it is right now. So, thanks Animal Collective. 

lessons from a birthday.

Today, since I had a decent amount of a property outline done, I mostly perused my facebook and looked at pictures of people from high school.

something I normally do not do because a. I do not have the time and b. some of their lives really. REALLY depress me. Mostly I just stalk my current friends and my law school classmates, my boyfriend. 

… however looking at all of their pictures and things today (plus recently having a birthday, THANK YOU again for all of the great wishes) made me a little depressed. 

Not for me, of course. I am thriving. I LOVE law school and my city. I will NEVER EVER get bored in this city and (as most of you know) my greatest fear in life is boredom. Though I’ve had a few ups and downs myself these couple of weeks, I am mostly so happy and not at all bored. 

But WHAT about them? Most of them have children and have moved back to the Northeast Ohio area. Or are married with an actual HOUSE or they have multiple children. I mean I have NO CLUE what I would do with a child, a husband or a HOUSE. Not living in New York, even though I have been here less than a year, seems completely alien and miserable to me. 

Even though I often complain about it, I could not IMAGINE life without law school and the lessons I’ve learned. 

Then I ask if I SHOULD be doing those things. Married, house, kids? What if I am setting myself up to be an old CAT LADY??? What then? I would eventually like a husband and some kids (probably never a house)… what if I never GET them? Or what if I settle for someone TERRIBLE for me because I want those things so badly?

but I have never settled. And I never will. And maybe those people have. Maybe they are happy. Maybe not. but they aren’t me. My dream isn’t their dream. Perhaps, as I am living mine, they are living theirs. 

So there’s no where I am “supposed to be” right now, as long as I am doing what I would like. There’s no timeline. there’s nothing. Love will come or it won’t.  all of those grown up things can always happen later. But right now I am not ready for them. Right now I am pretty happy to be free.

It’s not to say that what they are doing is wrong, but it’s just not for me. And at 25, I should at least have learned… “you can’t please everyone so you got to please yourself.” And I will continue to do that. 

and ignore those Midwest stereotypes that every now and again come up. 

The trials of a half a century.

everything (will be) illuminated

we want to think we are strong 

and can stand. 

entirely on our own. 

of our own accord.

but trees cannot stand without water and light and even the smallest microbe needs something.

light

darkness.

dry.

wet. 

and those are the smallest of microbes.

As the greatest of beings, humans need a lot more. 

a.lot.more.

because we can understand all of the things around us. 

the sadness

and the joy. 

and if we try.

to go without light 

or air

or even the darkness.

we will fail. 

because we need things.

we need the comfort of others, of people.

and yes some trees will be taller than we are. 

and some will grow to the top

and we won’t. 

but that doesn’t mean we should cease to grow. 

or that we shouldn’t accept the olive branch when  given to us.

it just means. 

we need others.

to grow. 

but we also need to be independent 

if that branch snaps

we need to know that we can grow on our own. 

it’s a hard thing to balance. 

bringing it all into perspective.

sometimes we think the world revolves around us. 

and our tiny teeny trivialities. 

These past few months have been very hard for me. Probably, some of the worst I’ve had.

maybe this is over-confident and annoying. but I have always been great. at everything. I have always made everything. The team. the cut. Varsity. states. the judicial panel. President. the internship.

Always. 

These past few months I have not made anything. I completely bombed a legal writing paper. Just utterly bombed it. which, as I had done really well first semester of law school, and in life in general, made me extraordinarily upset. And set of an absurd chain of self doubt, culminating in me not making this idiotic appellate honor moot court bullshit. 

Actually, I am sure it’s quite a lovely organization. But not one that I will be a part of. 

I have had a range of feelings from literally wanting to arrive on my parents door step crying, to escaping back to Europe Hemingway-like, to quitting law school and applying for a Masters in an obscure historical subject. I could be the crazy lady on the history channel with the fly-away gray hair who is the expert on “the migrational patterns of the Kiowa in the 18th century.” 

This is literally ALL I have been thinking about. I have been such a MISERABLE little Zoloft cloud about it. Only one tinged with green because I am also jealous of all of these people who are crawling out of the woodwork to be better than me.

WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE??? 

But then, today I heard some extremely sad and shocking news. About the death of a person who was not expected to die. Who had a good amount of life left in him. Who was always extraordinarily kind and helpful to me, the times that I interacted with him. 

and I think of my friends. This news, though shocking and sad to me, is nowhere NEAR as devastating as what it is to them. And my heart goes out to them. To their families.

Death the Inevitable is always there lurking. And while it may be macabre to mention, it is true. 

So this death brought it all into perspective for me. I think of this person and I know what he accomplished in his life. wonderful, lovely things. 

I am sure he did not accomplish them being a jealous little Zoloft cloud. I am sure that when he felt down, he certainly did not stay that way. 

This was a person that lived life like it SHOULD be lived. 

and maybe this is something I can take away from that. Life is not to be lived lurking in a dark corner. 

or under my cover watching caves. 

or giving people dirty looks because they have done better than me. 

No. Life is about being the best me I can be. and if I have to work a little harder in order to DO so, then so be it. 

it’s a testament to those who have loved life so passionately, yet are no longer living it. 

to live.